I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
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I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip