Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
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Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke