Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
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Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?