My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
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I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
Before & after 😅
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…