Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
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My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Why am I like this?
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons