someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
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Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
R.I.P.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Interior design 👌
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*