[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
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Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
As the Lord intended
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.