The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
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There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.