Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
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Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size