Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
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I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
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