People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
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“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
The pasta is now
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.