Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
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Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?