Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
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[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
twitter users today:
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”