i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
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Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Happy thanksgiving
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Most fashion shows these days…
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Ironic
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.