#Caturday
You Might Also Like
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Welcome to the stomach
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE