Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
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wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”