If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
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I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography