Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
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riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*