I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
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Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.