Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
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[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.