paddle faster i hear baby shark
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[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
my sentiments exactly
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.