I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
You Might Also Like
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.