Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
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I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active