All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
You Might Also Like
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
fired
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time