I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
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That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum