I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
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Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
what’s more important?
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off