Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
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Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
I think I’m having a stroke
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
mom gave me mine for free
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read