how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
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Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.
This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Breaking news:
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.