In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
You Might Also Like
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Aaaa…CHOO!
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.