I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
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Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Is there a class for just the karate noises?