I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER