my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
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I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
My dad had a good idea. Sometimes when cars drive by your house they honk at you. But you can’t respond. That’s where House Horn comes in
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Jupiter
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.