Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
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Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?