“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
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I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen