A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
You Might Also Like
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
The dark side of Canada
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.