All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
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ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
My dating profile:
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.