[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.