Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
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I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
men are simple creatures
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Jogging has never helped my memory.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Yup