I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
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[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning