Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
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me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
This classic never gets old . . .
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand