Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
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just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix