I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
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OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
watergate? u mean a dam??
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
all bases covered
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!