in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
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Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”