Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
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satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
this chia pet tastes awful
early stone age tool
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*