if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
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I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.