The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
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I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily