DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
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“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
wut hotdog?
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?