Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
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I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you