Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
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When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
This meal prepping shit easy
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Lmao the reply
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.