What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
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Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs